What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:58
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I said to her
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
How do schizophrenia symptoms change throughout the day?
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
How do you know if your husband loves you truly and deeply?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So whats the point in blame.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She found it foreign!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He knew the spot.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
My family never makes their pension either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is soul school!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
All the time i was locked up.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
Put me off passion for life!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What did i know ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was scared of men, in general
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I don,t even have a pension.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
But it wasn’t much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .